This blog is part of my path to health. I am a hot mess – aren’t we all?  I finally realized at 33 that I am not capable of changing how I handle and/or manage my stress. I have always been hard on myself … ALWAYS. Let’s be real, it needs to stop or I will end up teaching my daughters this bad habit.

I am use to dealing with a million things at once; I am a mom of two, best friend to their dad, who owns his own business, and my job requires me to multi-task in several departments. I have stress on a daily basis. We all have our laundry list of daily responsibilities. I always thought I was good at dealing with stress – I honestly thought this with all of my being.

Then it happened. I had a “melt down.” I was sitting at my desk at work tearing up over something I knew wasn’t my fault. I had been snapped at by someone else (who was obviously stressed out also). I was absolutely dumb-founded. I kept replaying the scene over and over and over in my head. What could I have differently? How did I not know ahead of time this would happen? I shouldn’t have said anything. I am so stupid. And around and around it went. I felt like I was vibrating in my own skin. My ears were pounding and I shaking, I felt like the room was closing in on me and I couldn’t breathe. I know now I was the proud owner of my first panic attack.

I called my doctor’s office and they fit me in the next morning. I was nervous at first. I remember thinking geesh, another ailment. Lets add to the list. I wasn’t ashamed to talk to my doctor about my feelings – he is an amazing doctor. He goes out of his way to help me when it comes to thinking outside of the box in regards to not being able to take any kind of pain medicine. The first thing his medical assistant said to me is “Just breathe, it gets better from here.” Wow! So simple and yet so powerful for me.

I have a hard time releasing control. I am in the school of thought that if you want something done right, do it yourself. Sitting in that room, then and there, many memories flooded back to me of times where I chastised myself over and over for something that went wrong – where I felt I had disappointed someone. I knew in that moment I need to let go and let someone else (my doctor) be in charge.

Fast forward to today. People are noticing a difference. My daughters notice a difference. I notice a difference. There is no shame in needing help, regardless of what it is for, and asking for help is truly the first step – AND IT IS A HUGE ONE! Knowing there is a light at the end of a dark tunnel, happiness and smiling is possible, this is relief that you don’t understand until you have been the opposite. I took what my doctor told me to heart and really listened to what he had to say. “There are three types of people with anxiety and depression that receive medicine to help them. One is someone who takes medicine for a time and gets to a point they don’t need it anymore, kind of like a reset. Two is someone who takes medicine for a time, then goes off of it for a time, then back on for a time, and so on. Three is someone who takes medicine for the rest of their life. Is there a right or wrong way to do this? No. Everyone is different and that means their needs are different. Should you try to define yourself as one of the three? No. Just know that whichever third you happen to be, there are others, and that you are trying your best to help yourself into the light.” So I have chosen to breathe, take time each week for myself and not feel guilty, and do what I do best and love … bake.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies
Ingredients:
2 1/2 c. AP flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 c. unsalted butter, softened
1 1/2 c. granulated sugar
1 c. canned pumpkin puree
1 lg. egg
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 bag semi-sweet or milk chocolate chips

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, pumpkin pie spice and salt; set aside. In a med. bowl cream together the butter and sugar. Add pumpkin, egg and vanilla to butter mixture, and beat until creamy. Mix in dry ingredients. Add in chips and stir gently to combined. Drop onto parchment lined cookie sheet (I use a 2 tbsp. cookie scoop). Bake for 15 to 20 mins. in preheated oven.

Turn these into whoopie pies! You can make a simple cream cheese or buttercream frosting, or your favorite whoopie pie filling, and you have a double duty recipe!