chocolate

Truth, Stigma and Healing

~ Laura ~ 1 Comment
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Photo: Valerie McKeehan

This blog is part of my path to health. I am a hot mess – aren’t we all?  I finally realized at 33 that I am not capable of changing how I handle and/or manage my stress. I have always been hard on myself … ALWAYS. Let’s be real, it needs to stop or I will end up teaching my daughters this bad habit.

I am use to dealing with a million things at once; I am a mom of two, best friend to their dad, who owns his own business, and my job requires me to multi-task in several departments. I have stress on a daily basis. We all have our laundry list of daily responsibilities. I always thought I was good at dealing with stress – I honestly thought this with all of my being.

Then it happened. I had a “melt down.” I was sitting at my desk at work tearing up over something I knew wasn’t my fault. I had been snapped at by someone else (who was obviously stressed out also). I was absolutely dumb-founded. I kept replaying the scene over and over and over in my head. What could I have differently? How did I not know ahead of time this would happen? I shouldn’t have said anything. I am so stupid. And around and around it went. I felt like I was vibrating in my own skin. My ears were pounding and I shaking, I felt like the room was closing in on me and I couldn’t breathe. I know now I was the proud owner of my first panic attack.

I called my doctor’s office and they fit me in the next morning. I was nervous at first. I remember thinking geesh, another ailment. Lets add to the list. I wasn’t ashamed to talk to my doctor about my feelings – he is an amazing doctor. He goes out of his way to help me when it comes to thinking outside of the box in regards to not being able to take any kind of pain medicine. The first thing his medical assistant said to me is “Just breathe, it gets better from here.” Wow! So simple and yet so powerful for me.

I have a hard time releasing control. I am in the school of thought that if you want something done right, do it yourself. Sitting in that room, then and there, many memories flooded back to me of times where I chastised myself over and over for something that went wrong – where I felt I had disappointed someone. I knew in that moment I need to let go and let someone else (my doctor) be in charge.

Fast forward to today. People are noticing a difference. My daughters notice a difference. I notice a difference. There is no shame in needing help, regardless of what it is for, and asking for help is truly the first step – AND IT IS A HUGE ONE! Knowing there is a light at the end of a dark tunnel, happiness and smiling is possible, this is relief that you don’t understand until you have been the opposite. I took what my doctor told me to heart and really listened to what he had to say. “There are three types of people with anxiety and depression that receive medicine to help them. One is someone who takes medicine for a time and gets to a point they don’t need it anymore, kind of like a reset. Two is someone who takes medicine for a time, then goes off of it for a time, then back on for a time, and so on. Three is someone who takes medicine for the rest of their life. Is there a right or wrong way to do this? No. Everyone is different and that means their needs are different. Should you try to define yourself as one of the three? No. Just know that whichever third you happen to be, there are others, and that you are trying your best to help yourself into the light.” So I have chosen to breathe, take time each week for myself and not feel guilty, and do what I do best and love … bake.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies
Ingredients:
2 1/2 c. AP flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. baking soda
2 tsp. pumpkin pie spice
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 c. unsalted butter, softened
1 1/2 c. granulated sugar
1 c. canned pumpkin puree
1 lg. egg
1 tsp. vanilla extract
1 bag semi-sweet or milk chocolate chips

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda, pumpkin pie spice and salt; set aside. In a med. bowl cream together the butter and sugar. Add pumpkin, egg and vanilla to butter mixture, and beat until creamy. Mix in dry ingredients. Add in chips and stir gently to combined. Drop onto parchment lined cookie sheet (I use a 2 tbsp. cookie scoop). Bake for 15 to 20 mins. in preheated oven.

Turn these into whoopie pies! You can make a simple cream cheese or buttercream frosting, or your favorite whoopie pie filling, and you have a double duty recipe!

Look for the signs!

~ Laura ~ 1 Comment

I am a firm believer of everything happens for a reason and there is no such thing as a coincidence. There are little signs everywhere (each and every day) that sometimes we see and most of the times we don’t. Then out of left field (at least that’s how most of us feel … right?) this huge sign drops out of nowhere and hits us like a ton of bricks. What’s the saying? Hindsight is 20/20? Looking back we can somehow connect all the little signs that lead up to these huge events, but we often aren’t seeing them in the moment.

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My loves on their first day of school! 2nd and 6th grade.

I had every intention last night to race through the evening to get everything done so that when my girls came home from karate and soccer I could hear all about their first day of school with all my attention just on them. Daddy was picking them up and I was cooking dinner, I had it all mapped out in my head. I had decided that while the chicken was cooking I would make a box of brownies and doctor them up with an amazing topping – quick and easy, and a blog post entry. Only as I was reaching for the measuring cup to add my water to the bowl that already contained the eggs, oil and bag of mix … it fell into the sink full of soapy water. GAH! There is no coming back from that. You can’t discretely fix that mistake! So, I cleaned up my mess and thought, well it just wasn’t in the cards to make this box of brownies tonight. I finished making supper and had great stories to listen to while we ate dinner as a family after their first day of school, and I was thankful.

IMG_0884Later on that evening, I decided that I needed to unwind and clear my head. For me baking is my zen, I get in a mindless groove and create scrumptious goodies for others. Bringing a smile to someones face and knowing that even if for only a few moments they get to forget about what ails them, then my job is done. I took out my trusty Betty Crocker’s Cookbook from the 70s (?) and dug out her brownie recipe. I figured if I had all the ingredients to make brownies from scratch then that is why my bowl of mix dumped. That was my sign. As I have said before, if you have quality pre-made items, USE THEM! Don’t feel like you HAVE to do everything homemade … just make sure it’s made with LOVE.

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Betty Crocker’s Recipe

Brownie Ingredients:
4 oz. unsweetened chocolate
1/2 c. shortening
2 c. sugar
4 eggs
1 tsp. almond extract
1 1/4 c. AP flour
1 tsp. baking powder
1 tsp. salt
Directions:
Heat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease 13 x 9 pan. Melt chocolate and shortening in a small pan on the stove over low heat. Stir constantly. Remove pan and pour mixture into a large bowl. Add in sugar, eggs and almond extract. Blend together until eggs and sugar are combined. Add in remaining ingredients and stir until just combined. Pour into prepared pan. Bake about 30 mins. or until batter has just left the sides of the pan and the top is dull looking. Do not over bake.

IMG_0885Digging through the cupboards I found I only had two cubes of unsweetened chocolate, but never fear, good ol’ Betty has the answer to everything! I just used the additional quantity in unsweetened cocoa powder and shortening – voila, problem solved.  So I whipped up a batch of Betty’s brownies with a small tweek. I used almond extract instead of pure vanilla as I was making an Almond Joy topping for my brownies! Once the brownies were cooked and cooling I started on the yummy topping!

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IMG_0889In a medium bowl I mixed 2 cups of shredded sweetened coconut, 1 cup of almonds, 1 cup of mini chocolate chips and 1 can of sweetened condensed milk. Can we just take a moment to relish in how amazing sweetened condensed milk is? There are two things that come from cans that I can lick the spoon after … sweetened condensed milk and tomato paste (weird … I know). Once it is all mixed, try not eat it all before you spread this gooey deliciousness onto the brownies!IMG_0890

IMG_0891You can cheat and not wait for the brownies to cool before spreading this on top, but be sure to remember that the mixture is thick and spreads rough. Then just stick them in the fridge (so the chips don’t melt) to cool. These are sinfully rich. I was able to cut mine into 32 squares easily. ENJOY!

 

Memories

~ Laura ~ Leave a comment
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Me and my daddy

I love having deja vu! It is a sometimes frustrating event – trying to figure out when this moment in time happened the first time. Usually, however, I love the thought that this moment was so great the first time that I get to relive it a SECOND TIME, or that possibly I missed something important the first time so I get a chance to catch it the second time around.  Anything can trigger these moments – a song, a word, a smell, a feel … something so small can bring back such HUGE emotions and feelings of a time before.

Reliving moments in my life can sometimes be bitter-sweet, like losing my dad when he was only 34 and I was only 6. I think of him daily without fail, though sometimes it is because I will hear a song or smell something and I am taken back in time – back to the few years that I had with him. I often wonder what life would be like if he were still alive – how different things would be. I know that even though he is not physically here with me he is watching over me and my girls, and that he hasn’t missed a moment.

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Brown Sugar Chocolate Chip Cookies

Food has always had a way of transporting me to another time and place, invoking memories of delicious dishes I have eaten or the people who have made them. My mom always made what I now know are called Peanut Butter Blossom Cookies (us kids just called them peanut butter kiss cookies). For the longest time I thought Hershey Kisses only came out around Christmastime, because that is when she made them. My Grama Berta always made celery stuffed with cheese for the holidays and family dinners, and my brothers and I still look for it on the table at holidays. My Grama (my mom’s mom) always makes broccoli casserole, which I love and still request. My girls always ask their Grammy to make sweet potato souffle for holiday dinners, and with me it’s my Brown Sugar Chocolate Chip Cookies.

When people speak of traditions in their families, I think many times we don’t include the food that is made. Whatever the reason for coming together – a holiday, a wedding, a death, a birthday – we include food. Some of these dishes are passed down from generation to generation – a near and dear family recipe, or something we stumbled across or made on a whim and fell in love with. The food we make will help create memories for the ones we love and bring them back in time, reliving memories, keeping traditions alive and sometimes even creating some new ones.

Simple, but key ingredients.

~ Laura ~ Leave a comment

imagesWhenever I stumble across a recipe that I fall in love with, there is usually one ingredient that makes me say, “Wow, using that made a difference.” For instance, I don’t drink coffee and I never have. Seeing that many dessert recipes that are chocolate based used hot coffee to melt the chocolate or had espresso powder in the batter, I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I mean, I don’t drink coffee or like the taste of it, so why on earth would I put it in my dessert? Well, I had been doing it wrong for so long! I finally tried it when it came to making a Pot du Creme. I had such a new love for how coffee really does enhance the chocolate flavor.

There are so many basic ingredients that enhance the flavor of what we eat tangerine-19062_640without us even knowing it or giving it much thought! For example, berries are so much brighter in flavor with some lemon or orange zest and some fresh squeezed juice of either added to them. Many sauces that adorn your dish when eating in a restaurant “finish” that sauce with a some butter to give it a glossy shine, a rich flavor and even at times to thicken.

a-glass-salt-shaker-100311902Many people also overlook salt. I understand that people have diets that require them to reduce salt intake or remove it completely from their diets, however, if that isn’t you, then don’t skimp on seasonings, especially salt! There are many dishes I make that I season throughout with salt. It may be that I am sweating down or caramelizing vegetable, and then I will season the protein that goes into the vegetables, and finally the sauce that will go onto the protein and vegetables. Many think that this may create a dish that is too salty. The key is knowing how much salt to put in at each stage so that it doesn’t overpower the dish. Salt is just as essential to many baking recipes as it is for cooking recipes. Adding a touch of salt to many dishes gives it just what is needed to bring out the best in the dish.

There are hidden surprises in many dishes we know and love, and sometimes they are not so hidden; regardless, never under estimate a simple ingredient, as it just might be your key to success.